


Equal

by swallowsmateforlife



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Mpreg, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2018-01-10 23:45:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1166044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swallowsmateforlife/pseuds/swallowsmateforlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s been babies on tour before and everyone embraced them. They’d have so much help and so much love around them… they’re ready for this. They want this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Equal

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired yet again by 'theboyfriends' on tumblr. It's not exactly the length nor depth she wanted but it's a little something.

The waiting game is the worst part. 

It’s been a long time coming – they’ve been talking about it for ages. They want this. They’ve been wanting this. Louis’ sure they can do it. There’s been babies on tour before and everyone embraced them. They’d have so much help and so much love around them… they’re ready for this. They want this.

Louis slips up onto the bed behind Harry, his arms looping around the younger man’s waist as he rests his chin on Harry’s shoulder. He knows Harry’s nervous. He is too, but he’s Harry’s rock. He’s used to this. It’s natural. He’s put his nerves and fears and woes aside for the sake of all his boys in the past and he knows that Harry needs him to, especially right now. He presses a soft kiss to the side of Harry’s neck and gives him a gentle squeeze – a silent “I’m here, it’s okay”, and Harry nods gently in understanding.

“Should… we look yet?” Harry asks quietly, eyes darting to the bathroom door where the pregnancy test lay on a tissue on the counter, processing, deciding their future for them. He hopes it’s a yes. Two distinct lines, a symbolic ‘equal’ sign. Like him plus Louis equals baby. He hopes, anyway.

“D’you think it’s been enough time?” Louis asks. He’s forgotten how long it’s supposed to be or how long it actually has been. He’s been too busy worrying and wondering and hoping. And this was Harry’s idea in the first place. Harry thought maybe this time he was pregnant. Maybe this time. He’d been feeling a little off for a few days now. And ravenously hungry. And so maybe this time, right?

Harry nods without a word, pulling from Louis’ embrace and taking the few short steps across the room to the attached bathroom. Louis wants to follow but he waits. As much as this is their moment, it’s Harry’s. They’ve both wanted this for a long time but Harry has been so excited to be pregnant. 

Minutes feel like hours and Louis isn’t so hopeful anymore. If it was positive – if Harry was pregnant – wouldn’t they be celebrating by now? Harry would have run out and leapt into Louis’ arms, tackled him to the bed and peppered kisses all over. Harry would be ecstatic, bright smiles that light up the room and delighted giggles to make Louis’ heart burst. But Harry isn’t running and there’s no smiles and no giggles when Harry appears in the doorway again, test in hand.

“It’s negative,” he said and Louis knows that voice. It’s disappointment but wrapped up in a nonchalant bow. Louis’ face falls, shoulders slouching in a sigh. He nods gently and frowns.

“Well, that’s alright, love,” he says quietly, looking up at Harry and smiling softly at him. “We’ll keep trying then, won’t we?”

Louis watches as Harry nods, disappearing for a moment to garbage the pregnancy test and then coming back to the bed, stretching out on his stomach next to Louis.

“I just thought this time was real,” he said quietly, wrinkling his nose gently and looking up at Louis. 

He thought so last time too. The two times before that were more “just to see” but had been disappointing none the less.

Louis sighed softly as he turned, moving to stretch out on his side next to Harry so he could rub his back softly and press a kiss to Harry’s shoulder. He didn’t know why it wasn’t happening either. They’d stopped using protection ages ago and their sex life is healthy and they’ve done everything as they should. It’s impossible not to wonder if something’s wrong. If it’s just not possible. And is it him? Is it Harry? 

Louis can’t help but to internalize and think it’s him. Harry is too perfect. He’s too exceptional of a human being to not be able to bring a life into the world. If anyone should it’s Harry. There is no person kinder, smarter, nicer, prettier… Harry deserves to have a child and a child deserves Harry. If something is wrong Louis is certain it’s him. He’s infertile. Shooting blanks. Years of football and taking kicks to less than pleasant places have rendered him incapable of producing viable sperm and he’s the whole reason they’re dealing with all these terrible feelings. 

“It will happen,” Louis says to Harry, not knowing if it ever will but it’s his job to be supportive and comforting to Harry. “I love you,” Louis tells him, shifting his weight to press a kiss to Harry’s cheek and slide his arm around Harry’s bare back. “Come here,” he said, pulling Harry into an embrace and knowing they could both use a cuddle right now.

It was quiet and easy for a moment; nothing but the sounds of their soft breaths filling the room. It was them, together, just processing the moment. Neither of them understood why it was this way but for now they weren’t going to question it. Maybe they just needed this. Just each other, just touches and closeness and quiet. After so much time together in such close quarters it’s easy to just be. Just be together. They don’t need to talk it out – not yet, anyway. Louis understands and so does Harry. Just them. Just quiet. 

It’s only a moment later when Harry tips his head up to press a kiss to Louis’ lips and it’s soft and tentative and Louis gets it. He shifted his body, nudging Harry over onto his back so he could slip above him and settle between Harry’s legs. Bare chests pressed together, hips aligned, Louis kisses Harry deeper this time. Not urgent, not desperate. It’s everything Harry needs to hear, everything Louis needs to say.

Harry knows this is not celebratory. This is not exciting or happy or congratulatory. But he needs this. He kisses Louis deeper, sliding his hands down over Louis’s smooth, strong back and along his hips where he squeezes and pulls Louis down against him. His own hips grind up and he sighs into the kisses as Louis’ hand comes up to cup his neck, thumb brushing the sharp edge of Harry’s jawline. Their breaths come quicker, knowing this is how it needs to be right now. 

Louis breaks the kiss to drag his lips down Harry’s neck, bites of kisses and nips of teeth finding their way along Harry’s collarbone. Harry’s eyes are closed, head tipped back, curls of hair falling from his face as Louis’ lips draw “I love you”s and “it’s okay”s and “you’re still perfect to me”s along his body. There are things in touches that words could never say and they understand this. There are a thousand novels worth of love in each kiss Louis presses down the ladder of Harry’s ribs and the best part is that there’s never going to be an ending. Harry’s body will read the words of Louis’ kisses until the end of time.

It’s easy like this. It’s natural, for them. It’s fluid and motion and touch and yes. Louis’ fingers easily open the button of Harry’s tight jeans, fingers hooking into the waistband to pull them down. He sits up easily on his knees, peeling the tight denim off of Harry’s legs and wasting no time in returning pressed up against Harry’s body to kiss his lips one more time. There’s something electric in the sadness, sparking between them and igniting the moment. 

Harry’s hands find Louis’ hips again as they pull his trackies down and over his ass, trying to push them down further until his arms don’t reach anymore. “Off,” he says, breaking their long silence finally. With a nod Louis shifts to get his pants off and kicked to the floor, lifting his gaze to meet Harry’s eyes. He’s smiling.

He’s smiling and it’s relief and happy and love and all Louis needs to go on. He smiles too, moving back in to kiss Harry’s beautiful smile, nuzzling noses together and grinning right back at him as Harry’s fingertips draw shapes along his smooth back. Louis settles in again, between Harry’s thighs and pressing their hips together slowly. He lets out the softest whisper of a moan as their bodies touch, a shuddering sigh following from Harry’s lips.

It’s easy, this afternoon. It always is, really, but sometimes it’s needy and passionate. Sometimes it’s desperate and electric. Sometimes it’s quick and rushing. This time it’s slow and easy and tentative. It’s years of knowing each other and the quick falling and the longstanding love growing stronger every day. It’s like everything has melted away and all the need is this moment together and nothing more.

Harry makes the next move – one Louis didn’t expect – and turns them over so Louis is on his back, Harry straddling his thighs as he sits up and looks down at him. Louis smiles brightly, eyes crinkling with happiness and love and relief that they can move past this let down and just work on trying for next time. Harry’s hands run over Louis’ chest, just touching gently and drawing shapes and knowing that it’s going to be okay. 

Wordlessly Harry reaches over to their night table for the lubricant, taking charge and knowing what he wants. Louis is fine with this. It’s effortless but understanding. Louis knows Harry needs this. They need this. Regardless of disappointment and let down, they love each other and they’ll show it. That’s how it always is, really. They’ve fought, they’ve argued, they’ve needed time apart… but they always show each other. They always love. They always know.

It’s all soft moans and gentle gasps as Harry touches Louis, the lubricant cool and silky smooth as his hand slips up and down Louis’ erection. It’s the silence in the room of nothing but breaths and whimpers as Harry sits up higher on his knees to rub his fingertips over himself, though not bothering to stretch himself open. He knows he doesn’t need to. It’s going to hurt, a little, but he needs that today. He needs that to ground him and remind him that pain and hurt is temporary but what comes after is what’s important. Smiling at the thought he lifts himself up, holding Louis’ cock in his hand as he shifts and presses slowly, his eyebrows furrowing and lip pulled between his teeth. A deep breath, a slow exhale, and Louis groans quietly as Harry is pressing down onto him all the way and resting there as he adjusts.

Louis’ hands slide up over Harry’s thighs, squeezing gently and dragging his bitten fingernails down the insides slowly. Harry shudders and Louis smiles, giving him all the time in the world. He’d give Harry forever, really, if it meant feeling like this and seeing Harry’s beautiful body and knowing that this was it for him. This was his life, his love, his whole world, and whether there was a baby or there never was… this was it.

“Alright, love?” Louis asks finally, not out of impatience but of wonder. Harry rolls his hips only slightly up and down, barely a movement but it’s enough for them. Harry nods, head tipping down against his chest as he braces his hands against Louis’ strong chest. It’s the encouragement Harry needs and then he’s lost in Louis, grinding his hips up and down slowly and gently. Louis can’t help the moan that escapes him nor the smile on his lips when one escapes Harry as well. 

The slow grind of hips together sends sparks down Louis’ spine. He moans a little louder when Harry moves faster and it’s all he could ever want in life. Sunshine spills into the room through the big bay window, bright and alive and warm. Harry’s lithe body is arched just beautifully for Louis to see all of him and for a moment he’s breathless as he reaches up to Harry, pulling him down by the shoulders to press together as his hips grind up into him. His arms wrap around Harry’s back, holding him tight and close, noses buried in hair and moans breathed against skin.

In a moment Louis turns them over a second time, bracing himself above Harry and loving the way Harry tips his head back against the bed, mouth dropped open in soft moans as Louis pushes into him a little harder now. Louis just watches Harry; the curve of his smile, the flutter of his eyelashes, the pale beauty of his skin flushed pink at the cheeks. His hand finds his way between them to touch Harry, stroking him through his thrusts and in a moment Harry is moaning and panting in the way that Louis loves. Complete abandon with not a care in the world but the feelings he’s having in the moment.

It’s over with soft cries and stuttering hips and sweaty chests pressed together as lungs beg for breaths. Louis’ fingers card through Harry’s curls and he smiles as Louis’ lips press to his forehead. Louis nods gently, smiling. It was what they needed. It was acceptance and understanding that the universe held the cards and they were allowing it to just be.

After a moment Louis pushed himself up off of Harry and gently pulled out of him so he could lay alongside the younger man and pull him close against his body once more. Harry sighed quietly as he cuddled in, nuzzling into Louis’ chest and knowing that it was going to be just fine. Just fine.

* * * * *

It’s a few weeks later when Harry wonders.

This isn’t the off feeling he’s felt before. This is different. This is him not feeling like himself and snapping at Louis when Louis doesn’t re-cap the tooth paste. This is him needing mid-day naps for longer than the day previous and still feeling tired when he wakes up again. This is his aching back and his sore hips and feeling on the edge of a choked sob when he can’t open the jar of pickles and since when does he even like pickles?

This is the fear of another failed pregnancy test as he sits on the closed toilet, staring daggers at the little stick processing while time drags impossibly slowly. 

And then it isn’t wondering and it isn’t fear, anymore.

Then, it’s green eyes wide and heartbeats skipping and breathlessness.

It’s Harry appearing in the bathroom doorway and staring out at a waiting Louis on the bed. It’s a bright smile and a nod. It’s Louis leaping off the bed and arms tossed around each other and it’s fearlessness. 

It’s him plus Louis and this time.

This time it adds up.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at <http://flamingoshirts.tumblr.com>


End file.
